A crotchety old fellow from the nursing home gets brought in for trouble breathing. After looking at the swelling in his legs and listening to the crackles in his lungs, it’s pretty obvious that he’s in congestive heart failure.
We started an IV, drew labs, and performed a chest x-ray. Then he got some nitroglycerin, some captopril, and he even got Lasix just to spite all of the #FOAMed wonks.
About 45 minutes later, the patient needs to go to the bathroom. We didn’t want him walking since he didn’t appear to be the steadiest on his feet, so he got a urinal. He grabbed the urinal and the nurse walked out of the room to give him some privacy.
A minute later, the patient starts screaming.
“Aaaaah! There’s a RAT biting my PECKER!”
The nurse went back into the room and slowly pulled back the covers. She looked around and didn’t see anything. She looked at the patient.
“Do you still feel something?”
“Nah. It’s gone.”
She walked back out of the room. Sure enough, 30 seconds later he’s screaming again.
“OOOOOW! It’s biting me AGAIN! OOOOOOW!
The nurse picked the covers up from the corner, screamed, and flung them off the bed, thinking that there may have been a rat from the nursing home in his clothing or something. Nothing there. Of course, after hearing the nurse scream, I went in the room to see what was going on.
“There’s something biting my pecker!”
I thought to myself … just when he tries to use the urinal, though? I looked at the urinal. Nothing inside.
“OK, let me see if I can catch it.”
He put his business back in the urinal and tried to go.
“Aaaah!” He yelled, making me jump.
“Where did it get you?” I asked.
“Underneath. Here,” he said, pointing to the area where his woo-hoo was resting on the urinal.
Then I looked at the urinal a little closer. There was a sharp point to the plastic on the edge of the urinal. I showed it to the nurse. Then I got a couple of pieces of tape and taped over it. I gave the urinal back to the patient.
“Yeah. That’s better. Did you catch it?”
“Yep. I’m sending him home with the nurse.”
The patient laughed.
I tossed the roll of tape to the nurse as I walked out the door and said with a wink …
“Make sure to order some rat traps from Central Supply, will ya? I hear those things can be pretty vicious.”
This and all posts about patients may be fictional, may be my experiences, may be submitted by readers for publication here, or may be any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate. If you would like to have a patient story published on WhiteCoat’s Call Room please e-mail me.