If this post ends suddenly, it means that a lightning bolt has shot through the roof of my house and knocked me off my chair.
A 79 year old lady with an intertrochanteric fracture and a left wrist fracture.
An 81 year old guy with a bleeding goose egg on the back of his head.
The 88 year old grandma who busted her hip and her walker in the same fall.
The 87 year old lady who passed out in the pew but who was caught before she injured herself.
What do each of these octogenarians have in common? They were brought to the ED via ambulance straight from the Church of Holy Syncope.
After our fourth ambulance run in two hours from the local church, I discussed this phenomenon I have witnessed with one of the paramedics. Think about it.
Many elderly people don’t make it out of the house much. Maybe grandma will make it out one day a week to have her hair done. Maybe grandpa goes out to the Elks Lodge one night a week to play cards. But where do a lot of elderly people seem to congregate every week? You got it. The Church of Holy Syncope.
If you have trouble getting around with a walker, maybe someone helps you up the stairs and into the pew. Then you’re on your own. And no matter how old you are, you have to follow the rules:
Don’t eat anything before communion. That way, all the diabetics take their medications when they wake up and then go to ground during mass.
Kneel. Sit. Stand. Kneel. Stand. Sit. Kneel. Kneel more. Stand up and walk to the front to get communion so you can finally eat something when you’re done. Go back and kneel again. That’s more exercise than most octogenarians get all week. If they don’t pass out from overexertion, you know darn well that one of these kneel-sit-stand cycles is going to get them dizzy and make them DFO (“dun fall out” – as in “Doc, I dun fell out”).
What are the steps made from at the Church of Holy Syncope? Marble or concrete. Nice soft substances so that when people fall going up or down, they have a nice soft landing.
Oh, and if there happens to be an ice storm on a Sunday morning, not only do the poor old folks go to ground, but then they grab clothing and take the younger healthy ones with them. If we’re having a really unlucky day, we’ll get a “twofer” from one DFO.
I didn’t know churches had the ability to franchise, but our EMT Scott enlightened me. If you look at the business filings of churches, most are subsidiaries of the Church of Holy Syncope. You might think you’re going to St. Peter’s, but really you’re a member of one big corporate church conglomerate. Call me crazy, but I bet that the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons has some kind of “in” with the Church of Holy Syncope and Sunday masses. I just know it.
Now pardon me – I have to go hide in the basement. I just heard a crack of thunder.