The Nectar of Life


A patient with a penchant for telling me what sexual acts to perform on myself and what kind of sexual acts my mother performs in a place that rhymes with “smell” was brought in for suicidal ideation associated with … of all things … alcohol intoxication. She got into it with the nurse.
“Ma’am, you can’t keep taking your clothes off and walking around naked. There are other patients in the department.
“[Perform a sexual act on yourself]!”
“OK. But you’ll still need to keep your gown on to avoid public indecency.”
“Oooh. Who are you? Mr. Big Shot? What’d you take a test and get an ‘A’?”

Then a patient gets brought in by ambulance after he was witnessed staggering out of a bar, into an alley, and, without provocation, walking directly into a telephone pole. The pole pushed back and the patient fell flat to his back unconscious.

Then another patient gets brought in for trying to ride a bike home from the bar, losing control, and doing a face plant in the asphalt. No family pictures for you for a while.

Then another drunk patient gets an ambulance ride to the hospital after trying to pull a Ringling Bros/Barnum and Bailey stunt by riding a tricycle down a slide. He did a face plant in the grass.

Did I mention how much easier my life becomes after the bars have closed and alcohol is tougher to obtain?


    • That wasn’t even all of the people with alcohol on the brain that I saw that night.
      Usually we get at least 1 or 2 per night. Either that or they straggle in at 9 or 10 in the morning after waking up after a night on the town and wondering why their ankle or wrist hurts.

  1. natural selection on

    ER docs are just lifeguards at the shallow end of the gene pool. If we just let people suffer the consequences of their gluttony and stupidity the country would be much smarter and we would not be struggling with the cost of healthcare.

    • In discussions regarding the Second Amendment, to cause the heads of hoplophobes to explode, I sometimes posit that every adult should be issued a handgun, along with a reasonable quantity- say 1000 rounds- of ammunition.

      I then state that the first six months would be dicey while all the idiots blew each other away, but after that:

      1. Crime would be non-existent compared to current rates;

      2. Manners would become the norm rather than the exception, and

      3. The average I.Q. would increase by a minimum of 25 points.

    • “ER docs are just lifeguards at the shallow end of the gene pool.”

      *wipes tear from eye*

      That’s just beautiful. I think I’m going to have to embroider that on a pillow or something. I will give you full credit, of course.

  2. William the Coroner on

    I remember one guy, who was walking home from the bar, because he’d had too many DWI’s and was relieving himself in the middle of the road, and a second drunk from the same bar klobbered him with a Caddy.

    Alcohol is liquid idiot, and a BAC of .21-.25 is particularly dangerous.

    • We need to get more of these stories from you.
      I found my rotation in the NYC Coroner’s office to be utterly fascinating. Depressing, but fascinating.

  3. I’d estimate that 80 percent of the people I dealt with during my tenure as an EMT had been using alcohol, illicit drugs or both.

  4. @Whitecoat, William the Coroner:

    After a while in the trenches, I developed the philosophy that dead folks are just like live folks, except they can’t give you any shite.

    And WtC: I almost ruint a keyboard the first time I came across your screen name.

  5. Jack Daniels, you lied to me again,
    told me she was the greatest thing
    that ever happened to a man

    You said She’s the one!
    And I’d still be in love
    when the morning come

  6. Face facts WC, we are all toxicologists at base. 90% of our weekend traffic comes as a result of an excess of ETOH, testosterone or both!

  7. We often got the same drunks..predictable for a Friday and/or Saturday night.

    “[Perform a sexual act on yourself]!”
    “OK. But you’ll still need to keep your gown on to avoid public indecency.”
    “Oooh. Who are you? Mr. Big Shot? What’d you take a test and get an ‘A’?”

    So funny! and sad.. but can’t help laughing.

    You said OK. That’s hilarious! Apparently your willingness to be cooperative didn’t score you any points. LOL!:)

  8. I managed to get a few non-injured drunks out without ETOH levels on my last shift – simply by having them call a sober friend to come and sign them out.

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